Is This Thing On?

Posted by DmentD | Domestica,Exercise,Rambling,Reflection,Travel | Wednesday 18 July 2007 12:18 pm

*opens the stage door and steps out in front of the brightly burning lights*
*brushes the cobwebs from the microphone and taps it to make sure it is still live*
*shades his eyes with his hand to see if there is even anyone in the audience*
*shrugs and takes a deep breath*

So, here I am again after *looks down at the previous post* three months, and a patchy record of posts before that.  A lot has transpired in that amount of time.  A LOT.  Let me endeavor to fill in on some the comings and goings, and in no particular order:

» Lady and I are officially divorced.

It was mutually agreeably and uncontested. But… we are still very, very good friends.  After nearly eighteen years together as a couple neither of us wanted to abandon the deep, abiding friendship we started at the beginning and forged all through our years together.  We still love and respect one another, and care deeply for the other as one friend to another.  We worked very hard to preserve that, and I think we’ve succeeded.  People find this very strange indeed, but we figure that the only people who need to be cool with it is her and me.

» I finally got off my ass and into gear.

I have been steadily going to the gym and weightlifting since October of last year.  I added cardio to my routine a month ago, and I’ve been adjusting my food intake to a more reasonable level, cooking more at home and bringing lunch to work.  I’m still very hesitant to talk about health and exercise on the blog, as every time I have mentioned it in the past I seemed to have jinxed myself and fucked up my plans.  I’m not going to go into great detail here on the intartubes, but suffice to say that I’m slowly and steadily changing my shape.  No miracle stories to tell, and it’s a lot of hard, tedious exercise, but that was the realization I finally came to and accepted it.

» I’m happier and better adjusted than I have been in quite a while.

I’m not saying that I’m a perfect angel, content and sitting in my own little radiating pool of joy and wonderfulness, but the crushing depression and loneliness are like a fading bruise: still evident but gradually becoming a thing of the past.  I realized recently that if I have one skill or talent that defines me, it is the capacity to take things apart, find out how they work… and if broken, figure out how to fix them and put them back together.  It is the core of my nickname “Stuff” that I have the tools and aptitude to do this with anything I lay my hands on — computers, electronics, woodworking, cars, sculpting, etc. — and I did it, unknowingly, to myself… and plan to continue doing it till the end of my days.  I disassembled myself and figured out what was making me hurt, causing such pain and anguish and… well I’m figuring out how to fix that.

I’ve worked very hard to be an independent, self-reliant person, especially in an emotional capacity.  I’m learning how to be happy with myself, and for myself.  It’s easy to latch on to another person (or people) and make them the core of your joy.  It’s so much simpler to lean on others, to derive your emotional comfort from them rather than seeking it in yourself.  Once you can be comfortable and happy just being you, its so much more rewarding to compound your joy by adding someone else to the equation (if you so choose)… and it takes the overwhelming burden off their shoulders to be the wellspring of everything in your life that is good.  And it also takes away the desperate, choking need to have another in your life and allows you to relax and appreciate the world around you.  And on that note…

» There is a girl who lives far away that makes me very, very happy.

Those who know me know I never take the easy path when there is something worth doing.  I am apparently consistent with this in my romantic life too.  Through means and circumstances too convoluted to bother with here — let’s just say “we met on the internet” and leave it at that modern day cliché — I have become well acquainted with a charming, beautiful girl who lives 5000 miles and an ocean away from me.  She has the sweetest English accent, the loveliest curves, and I am completely smitten… so is she by all accounts.  She’s smart as a whip, sarcastic (read: a smartass), and she likes my shenanigans.  She’s a breath away from a culinary degree — waiting for the ink to dry on the certificate — and has a specialty interest in patisserie (that’s French pastry to you and me) and cakes.  Yes, cakes.  Her goal is to open her own patisserie and cake shop.  I keep trying to convince her there is a ripe market for it in Austin, and I happen to know an amateur specialty cake maker who would be very interested in assisting her with that endeavor.

She has come to visit me, and we spent a blissfully wonderful week together.  I am going to visit her in September (provided the passport I applied for two months ago ever arrives).  Neither of us knows for sure where we’re going with all of this, but we like the road we’re traveling, so we’re content to stay on it.  Even from 5000 miles away we contribute to each others happiness.  That’s an awesome thing.

» Took a trip to northern California.

Went with Team Dandy and Lady to get the native’s tour.  Had a lovely time, will have to make a separate post about this… too much to say, and I have tons of pictures I can add.  Stay tuned.

That, er, is about all I can think of in this sitting… like you aren’t thinking “that’s plenty, you long winded bastard.”  I make no promises, but I’m feeling inclined to post these days.  My life has leveled out of the steep nose dive it had taken, and I’m feeling comfortable in my own skin again.  I’m also famously horrible at keeping in touch with my friends and family (yeah, I’m a terrible thuggish imbecile that I can’t even do that), and this at least will help scratch that itch.

Onward and upward.  Whee!

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Morissentences.

Posted by DmentD | Rambling | Monday 5 March 2007 8:42 pm

I’m broke but I’m happy, I’m poor but I’m kind… I’m short but I’m healthy.  Yeah.  I’m high but I’m grounded.  I’m sane (but I’m overwhelmed!), I’m lost — but I’m hopeful baby.  What it all comes down to is that every thing’s gonna be fine, fine, fine… I’ve got one hand in my pocket and the other one is giving a high five.

I feel drunk but I’m sober.  I’m young and I’m underpaid: I’m tired but I’m working (yeah?).  I care but I’m worthless, I’m here… but I’m really gone.  I’m wrong, and I’m sorry baby.  What it all comes down to is that every thing’s gonna be quite alright — I’ve got one hand in my pocket and the other one is flicking a cigarette.

What it all comes down to is that I haven’t got it all figured out just yet.  I’ve got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is giving the peace sign.

I’m free but I’m focused.  I’m green, but I’m wise.  I’m shy… but I’m friendly baby.

I’m sad but I’m laughing, I’m brave but I’m chicken shit.  I’m sick but I’m pretty baby.  And what it all boils down to is that no one’s really got it figured out just yet: I’ve got one hand in my pocket and the other one is playing the piano.

What it all comes down to my friends is that every thing’s just fine.  Fine.  FINE!  I’ve got one hand in my pocket (and the other one is hailing a taxicab).

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