Ok class, time to learn a little DmentiA driving terminology today:
- L.A.C. = Law Abiding Citizen. These are the folks who will cruise in front of you doing exactly the speed limit. Inevitably you are behind them on a two lane highway when there is bumper-to-bumber traffic in the other lane so you can’t pass. Ok, I know that I should be doing the speed limit too, but that’s my problem, not thiers.
- ROLLING OBSTRUCTION = This category includes the old, the infirm, the mentally ustable, the mentally incapable and anyone who is a driver’s license holder in Topeka. These people are the ones who will do well below the speed limit for any barely conceivable reason. The most frequent version of the Rolling Obstruction (henceforth known as the R.O.) is the Cadillac in front of you that is driven, apparently, by a sentient pair of knuckles – that’s all you can see operating the vehicle… no human, monkey, alien or otherwise (usually it turns out to be a 148 year old lady whose cartilage has compressed so much that she’s actually only 23 inches tall, but still retains the arm length of her youth gone by – and she drives using her Jedi "other sight" powers because she clearly can’t see over the dashboard). R.O.s are usually doing 27 MPH on a 45 MPH road, with their right side blinker on for 15 miles, and clearly, there is no place to turn right except into the heavily wooded forest populated by 1,000,000 angry rabid squirrels (and the whole time you are wishing she would turn right just so that image of the old lady being swarmed by piranha like rodents would come true – it ends with her walking out of the forest bristling with furry creatures, each of which is latched onto her body with their foaming little bucked teeth – ala Gary Larson).
- Junior Lawman = The guy in front of you who will, upon seeing you approach at a faster rate of speed, slow down in an attempt to slow you down too. It is also the fellah who will switch lanes in front of you when you switch lanes to keep you from speeding then too. He wants to "teach you a lesson" and punish you for your evil, evil speeding ways. I have a little lesson in return for these people… it’s the one about how to pull yourself from a burning car that has been run off the road and flipped 7½ times only to strike a tree and rupture the gas tank, dislocating both of your shoulders and shattering a kneecap in the process. I hate these fuckers the worst. Look, if you don’t like my driving, don’t take the law into your own hands. According to popular law enforcement theroy I’ll eventually get busted by a cop and he’ll teach me the error of my ways. Sooooo, piss off and leave me the hell alone.
Look, I do drive a little faster than the posted speed limit, but I do so in a safe and controlled manner. It’s not like I weave in and out of traffic while I’m driving – I leave that to the Camaro drivers with the 3 inch penises. I don’t drink much, and I don’t endanger others. All I ask is a little common courtesy. Drive at least as fast as the limit, or clear a space for the faster vehicles. I swear, I won’t flash my high-beams at you, and I’ll go around you if I can, otherwise… get the FUCK out of my way!
Bastards.