I am GEEK, hear me… um… creak, I guess

Y’know, sometimes being a bona fide geek has its rewards. Well, actually, MOST of the time it has its rewards if you are enough of one. I’m not just referring to geek-ness in a strictly computer related sense, but in the aspect that a geek is someone who is so into something, that they not only enjoy and are very good at this something, but they also have a tendency to be consumed by it. Computer geeks, math geeks, science geeks, sport geeks, A/V geeks, bookworms (reading geeks), rennies (renaissance fair geeks), gearheads (car geeks) and so many more.

A long while back I was given the nickname "Stuff" by a group of folks who not only appreciated my many-faceted geek abilities, they depended on it. I was master of all things computer, A/V, electrical, construction, destruction, repair, effects and prop related to name a few. You could lay money on the fact that I had a tool or device on hand to do anything you needed done – if there was a need for a solar-powered chainsaw, the chances were good that I had one in my back pocket. These days I still retain the old skills, dusty as a few of them are, but have acquired a few new ones along the way.

Amongst my geek merit badges is a Rennie one. I am one of those folks who not only likes going to the occasional renaissance fair, but believes that the only true way to enjoy them is while in costume. See if you can keep up with me here… I get to wear a wonderfully comfortable outfit, don a certain amount of anonymity, and strap on medieval weapons of personal destruction, i.e. a sword and daggers, all the while looking down my nose at the scant few people who have shown up in their street clothes because they, THEY are the weirdos who look out of place. Heh. I love that.

Being a Rennie has other side benefits as well. Friends of mine are co-organizers of a Mardi Gras organization – The Krewe Of Excalibur – which is Arthurian and medieval themed. The last few years they have asked my wife, a few of our other Rennie friends and me to help out with their Ball. We’re to dress in our renaissance fair finery and contribute to the general medieval atmosphere while members of the organization arrive and await the beginning of the event. In exchange we can remain in costume, and after the event begins we have reserved seating where we can enjoy the ball, a full meal and all the benefits of an open bar – a $90 value for each of us. Now, if you’re not familiar with Mardi Gras balls, let’s just say that it’s a strictly formal event (tuxedos and gowns) and is a fancy la-de-da evening of entertainment that precedes an actual Mardi Gras parade that the organization will have a few weeks after. Now, let me point something out to you that you might have missed. We, the Rennies, get to arrive and stay in costume, which I have already described as a "wonderfully comfortable outfit" complete with "medieval weapons of personal destruction" while those around us are stuck in penguin suits and sequined gowns laced up so tight that a barely perceptible amount of air actually makes it into the lungs. Oh, and after an initial bout of looking medieval and menacing, we get to enjoy the remainder of the evening seated amongst the suits and gowns… for free. Did I mention the open bar?

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Here we are in all our glory at the ball…

Rennies

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I may be a geek, but I sure do have a lot of fun.

Now, computer geekdom has its own set of side benefits as well. There is a tremendous amount of power a computer savvy person wields, especially when dealing with the technologically de-evolved. When I was a site-technician, I could walk into the office of a company’s C.E.O. during a high level meeting, and he would gladly cut the meeting short, surrender his big comfy chair to me and fetch me a soft drink if I so desired – and thank me for the privilege of doing so. The trick was to not abuse that power… I always operated on the light-side of that force. Computer geeks also usually take care of their own. If one is having problems, others will always swoop in to help, rallying other troops as necessary. It’s a brotherhood of sorts, except without all the silly secret handshakes.

Let’s not forget some of the other benefits – the gaming, the music and other multimedia entertainment. Navigating the internet like Long John Silver en route to Treasure Island. Gathering information on anything and everything with a few quick flicks of my fingers. It’s a good thing.

These days, when someone says the word "GEEK", it’s usually with an air of reverence rather than hostility. It’s a badge of honor, a symbol of respected proficiency that is sometimes envied by those who do not posses it. Geekdom also knows few boundaries of sex, race, creed, color, religion or appearance. You are judged by your merits as a capable person – knowledge and skill above all else.

If this day and age should teach us something, it’s the proper care and feeding of your household geek. Treat them well, and you’ll reap the rewards that go with it. We certainly do.

Four wheels, six cylinders, and a nagging desire to KILL!!

Ok class, time to learn a little DmentiA driving terminology today:

  • L.A.C. = Law Abiding Citizen. These are the folks who will cruise in front of you doing exactly the speed limit. Inevitably you are behind them on a two lane highway when there is bumper-to-bumber traffic in the other lane so you can’t pass. Ok, I know that I should be doing the speed limit too, but that’s my problem, not thiers.
  • ROLLING OBSTRUCTION = This category includes the old, the infirm, the mentally ustable, the mentally incapable and anyone who is a driver’s license holder in Topeka. These people are the ones who will do well below the speed limit for any barely conceivable reason. The most frequent version of the Rolling Obstruction (henceforth known as the R.O.) is the Cadillac in front of you that is driven, apparently, by a sentient pair of knuckles – that’s all you can see operating the vehicle… no human, monkey, alien or otherwise (usually it turns out to be a 148 year old lady whose cartilage has compressed so much that she’s actually only 23 inches tall, but still retains the arm length of her youth gone by – and she drives using her Jedi "other sight" powers because she clearly can’t see over the dashboard). R.O.s are usually doing 27 MPH on a 45 MPH road, with their right side blinker on for 15 miles, and clearly, there is no place to turn right except into the heavily wooded forest populated by 1,000,000 angry rabid squirrels (and the whole time you are wishing she would turn right just so that image of the old lady being swarmed by piranha like rodents would come true – it ends with her walking out of the forest bristling with furry creatures, each of which is latched onto her body with their foaming little bucked teeth – ala Gary Larson).
  • Junior Lawman = The guy in front of you who will, upon seeing you approach at a faster rate of speed, slow down in an attempt to slow you down too. It is also the fellah who will switch lanes in front of you when you switch lanes to keep you from speeding then too. He wants to "teach you a lesson" and punish you for your evil, evil speeding ways. I have a little lesson in return for these people… it’s the one about how to pull yourself from a burning car that has been run off the road and flipped 7½ times only to strike a tree and rupture the gas tank, dislocating both of your shoulders and shattering a kneecap in the process. I hate these fuckers the worst. Look, if you don’t like my driving, don’t take the law into your own hands. According to popular law enforcement theroy I’ll eventually get busted by a cop and he’ll teach me the error of my ways. Sooooo, piss off and leave me the hell alone.

Look, I do drive a little faster than the posted speed limit, but I do so in a safe and controlled manner. It’s not like I weave in and out of traffic while I’m driving – I leave that to the Camaro drivers with the 3 inch penises. I don’t drink much, and I don’t endanger others. All I ask is a little common courtesy. Drive at least as fast as the limit, or clear a space for the faster vehicles. I swear, I won’t flash my high-beams at you, and I’ll go around you if I can, otherwise… get the FUCK out of my way!

Bastards.

New look, new feel… same old crap

Well, after too much time of doing two things with this site… "jack" and "shit"… I’ve decided to update it a bit – it is, after all, my namesake.  I’ve "growed it up" some by eliminating all the annoying background graphics, took out the fugly graphic navigation buttons and made the site overall a little more pleasant to visit.  So for the two of you who visit here regularly, enjoy.

I’ve also added this little WebLog thingy here so I have a spot to regurgitate all the lovely things that come to my mind and need saying to the world in general.  I guarantee nothing.  There will not necessarily be regular postings here, as it’s strictly based on my whim.  I also don’t promise a rose garden… it is very likely that I will not only step on someone’s toes with what I might say around here, I might just turn those toes to ground round.  If you don’t enjoy what you read here, don’t read.  On the other hand, not everything I post will be offensive.  It’s a gamble.  Oh, and if your delicate nature is offended by off color language or concepts, you might take the non-reading path as well.  My stream-of-consciousness contains a lot of nastiness, and I don’t intend to censor a whole lot, so tough shit (see, wasn’t THAT fun).

So strap in, take your Dramamine and get ready for the anti-climax.

Pot Roast (Slow Cooker) – MTM

  • 3 to 4 LB beef roast (rump or sirloin tip)
  • 6 cloves garlic (minimum)
  • 1 large onion (sliced into half-rings)
  • 20 OZ Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup
  • 1 PKG Lipton’s Beefy Onion dry soup mix
  • 3 cubes beef bouillon
  • 2 bay leaves
  • ¼ C dried parsley flakes
  • 20 OZ water
  • Salt and pepper
  • Kitchen Bouquet
  • Vegetable oil (olive, canola, etc)

Optional Veggies

  • 16 OZ baby carrots
  • 3 medium Idaho potatoes (cut large) (or the equivalent of red new potatoes)
  • 16 OZ mushrooms (sliced if large)
  • Pearl onions
  1. Trim any excess fat or skin from the roast.  Cut narrow, deep, evenly spaced slits in the roast (one for each clove of garlic), sprinkle in salt and pepper, and insert one whole garlic clove in each.  Brush the roast all over lightly with vegetable oil and season with salt and pepper.
  2. Mix together the Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup, water, Lipton’s Beefy Onion dry soup mix, crumbled beef bouillon cubes, bay leaves and parsley.  Set aside.
  3. Put your slow cooker’s pot — or a heavy 6 QT pot if the cooker’s pot is ceramic or otherwise not able to go over direct heat — over medium-high heat and allow it to get hot.  Sear the roast on all sides (approximately 1½ — 2 minutes per side).  Add the onions, and saute until soft and lightly browned.  Lower the heat to medium.
  4. Pour in the wet mixture and stir thoroughly.  Bring to a simmer.  Check the consistency of the gravy and add water as needed — you should get it to the thickness you desire, as it will not reduce much during the cooking phase.  Better to be too thin than too thick… you can always thicken it later by adding a flour and water paste, or by cooking on your slow cooker’s “high” setting with the lid off.
  5. Taste and add salt and pepper seasoning as necessary.  Usually at this point a TSP or so of salt, and a TSP of pepper are enough, if at all.  The gravy will also not get any darker as the roast cooks, so if you desire it darker, add Kitchen Bouquet, ½ TSP at a time until you reach the color you like.
  6. At this point, if you are preparing the roast the night before, take it off the heat and allow to cool (if you are using a separate pot to sear and simmer, transfer the meat and gravy to the slow cooker’s pot).  Once cool, cover tightly with foil and put in the fridge until you are ready to cook.
  7. Place the pot into the cooker base.  Add your vegetables, and stir them in well.  Most of the contents of the pot should be submerged, but it is not necessary for everything to be completely under.  If you have a reasonable amount of liquid and keep the lid on, the steam and simmering action will keep everything evenly cooked and moist
  8. Set the heat level on the slow cooker and cook according the following chart:
    • HIGH (from stove top): 4 hours
    • HIGH (from fridge): 4½ hours
    • LOW (from stove top): 8 hours
    • LOW (from fridge): 9 hours
  9. Do not lift the lid during cooking or you may need to adjust your cook time for longer.  Avoid stirring the gravy, especially toward the end of the cook time, as you may cause the perfectly cooked veggies to break up and disintegrate.
  10. Serve with rice, egg noodles, spiral pasta, etc.

NOTE: This is the basic recipe for most meat dishes.  Variations such as soup and stew substitute 12 OZ of stewed tomatoes for the Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup and require much more water, and as many vegetables as you like (green onions, celery, green beans, corn, lima beans, squash etc).  Stew will also require a bit of a roux to thicken — soup does not.  You can use this basic pot roast recipe for pork loin roast or chops, chicken, ribs, etc — even meatloaf.

Belgian Waffles (Sour Cream)

2 C cake flour
2 TSP baking powder
1 TSP baking soda
½ TSP salt
4 TBS sugar
2 TBS cornstarch (optional — for extra crispiness if desired)                             
4 TBS melted butter (½ stick)
1 C whole milk
1 C sour cream
4 eggs (separated)
½ TSP vanilla extract

Temperature:

Beat the egg whites until soft peaks form.

Sift together flour, salt, baking powder, baking soda and the cornstarch (if used).  Whisk egg yolks and sugar until the sugar dissolves and the yolks are pale yellow.  Mix the butter, vanilla, sour cream and whole milk, then add the wet ingredients to the dry until just incorporated — do not over mix.  Fold the egg whites into the main mixture.

Bake in a waffle iron set to high.  Cool on a rack.  Freeze leftovers and reheat in a toaster.

If adding berries or nuts, sprinkle into the batter after it has been poured onto the iron, but before baking.  If using other fruits, add directly to the batter.

Belgian Waffles (Buttermilk)

2 C cake flour
2 TSP baking powder
1 TSP baking soda
½ TSP salt
¼ to ⅓ C sugar
2 TBS cornstarch (optional — for extra crispiness if desired)                             
4 eggs (separated)
4 TBS melted butter (½ stick)
1 C buttermilk
1 C whole milk
½ TSP vanilla extract

Temperature:

Beat the egg whites until soft peaks form.

Sift together flour, salt, baking powder, baking soda and the cornstarch (if used).  Whisk egg yolks and sugar until the sugar dissolves and the yolks are pale yellow.  Mix the butter, vanilla, buttermilk and whole milk, then add the wet ingredients to the dry until just incorporated — do not over mix.  Fold the egg whites into the main mixture.

Bake in a waffle iron set to high.  Cool on a rack.  Freeze leftovers and reheat in a toaster.

If adding berries or nuts, sprinkle into the batter after it has been poured onto the iron, but before baking.  If using other fruits, add directly to the batter.

Baked Ham – Alton Brown

  • 1 city style (brined) ham, hock end (* see note)
  • ¼ C brown mustard
  • 2 C dark brown sugar
  • 1 OZ bourbon (poured into a spritz bottle)
  • 2 C crushed ginger snap cookies

Oven: 250° F

  1. Remove ham from the bag, rinse and drain thoroughly. Place ham, cut side down, in a roasting pan.
  2. Using a small paring knife, or clean utility knife set to the smallest blade setting, score the ham from bottom to top, spiraling clockwise as you cut (if you’re using a paring knife, be careful to only cut through the skin and first few layers of fat). Rotate the ham after each cut so that the scores are no more than 2-inches across. Once you’ve made it all the way around, move the knife to the other hand and repeat, spiraling counter clockwise. The aim is to create a diamond pattern all over the ham (don’t worry too much about precision here).
  3. Tent the ham with heavy duty foil, insert a thermometer, and cook for 3 to 4 hours or until the internal temperature at the deepest part of the meat registers 130° F.
  4. Remove and use tongs to pull away the diamonds of skin and any sheets of fat that come off with them.

Oven: 350° F

  1. Dab the ham dry with paper towels, then brush on a liberal coat of mustard, using either a basting brush or a clean paint brush (clean as in never-touched paint).
  2. Sprinkle on the brown sugar, packing loosely as you go until the ham is coated. 
  3. Spritz this layer lightly with bourbon, then loosely pack on as much of the crushed cookies as you can.
  4. Insert the thermometer (don’t use the old hole) and return to the oven uncovered. 
  5. Cook until interior temperature reaches 140° F – approximately 1 hour.
  6. Let the roast rest for ½ hour before carving.

* NOTE: A city ham is basically any brined ham that’s packed in a plastic bag, held in a refrigerated case and marked “ready to cook”, “partially cooked” or “ready to serve”.  Better city hams are also labeled “ham in natural juices”.

Banana Bread

1½ C (~3) ripe bananas (mashed by hand with a fork)
½ C butter or margarine (1 stick)
1 C sugar
1 TSP baking soda
⅓ TSP salt
2 eggs
1 TSP vanilla
½ C walnuts or pecans (chopped)
1¼ C all-purpose (or unbleached) flour

Temperature: 350

Combine all the dry ingredients in a mixing bowl.  With your mixer, cream the butter and eggs until light, adding the eggs one at a time.  Add the vanilla.  Add the dry ingredients and mix on low until combined.  Fold in the bananas and nuts.

Pour into a greased 9"x5"x3" loaf pan.  Bake on the middle rack for 60 minutes or until a tester comes out clean.  Cool in the pan for 15 minutes then turn out onto a cooling rack.

Chicken Pot Pie – MTM

  • 2 to 2½ LB boneless, skinless chicken breasts and thighs
  • 3 TBS cooking oil
  • ½ TSP pepper
  • ½ TSP marjoram leaves
  • 2 bay leaves
  • Water
  • Salt
  • 10 OZ carrots (shredded, sliced, or baby whole)
  • 2 sticks of celery (minced)
  • 1 large onion (diced), or ¾ LB pearl onions (peeled)
  • 6 garlic cloves
  • 5 OZ (141 GR) all-purpose flour
  • 2¾ C half-and-half
  • ¼ C white wine
  • 10 OZ green peas
  • 10 OZ corn
  • 1 LB small mushrooms (sliced)
  • 1 egg yolk

Crust:

  • 3 C (450 GR) all-purpose flour
  • 1½ TSP salt
  • ½ C (112 GR) shortening
  • ½ C (112 GR) butter
  • 7 – 9 TBS cold water

Oven: 350°

Crust:

  1. In a medium bowl, with a fork lightly stir together the all-purpose flour and salt.
  2. With a pastry blender (or 2 knives used scissor-fashion) cut the shortening into the flour until the mixture resembles coarse crumbs.
  3. Sprinkle in cold water, a TBS at a time, mixing lightly with a fork after each addition until the pastry just holds together.  With your hands, shape the pastry into a ball.
  4. Cover or wrap in cling film until ready for use.

Filling:

  1. Heat the cooking oil in a 5 QT pot. Salt and pepper the chicken, then brown over high heat for 2 minutes a side.
  2. Add 4 C water, marjoram and bay leaves and bring to a boil. Reduce the heat to low, cover and simmer for 25 minutes or until the chicken is fork tender.
  3. When the chicken is done remove it, reserve 1 C of the broth, and add the white wine to it.
  4. Cool the chicken slightly, and cut the meat into small pieces.
  5. In the saucepan, over low heat, sweat the onions first, then the celery, next the garlic, lastly the mushrooms and carrots together.
  6. Once the vegetables are done, add the broth/wine mix and bring to a simmer.
  7. In a small bowl, with a fork blend 5 OZ all-purpose flour with 1 C half-and-half, then gradually stir into the broth in the saucepan until smooth. Stir in the remaining half-and-half.
  8. Over low heat, cook stirring constantly until the sauce is thickened.
  9. Stir in the chicken, peas and corn, and season as necessary.
  10. Bring to a brief boil and allow all vegetables to heat through.
  11. Spoon the mixture into a 13″ x 9″ baking dish.
  12. Roll the dough out between two sheets of parchment into a 14″ x 10″ rectangle.
  13. With a knife, cut out a small circle in the center of the pastry.
  14. Place the pastry loosely over the filling.
  15. Trim the edges, leaving 1 inch overhanging, folding the overhang under and make a high stand-up edge.
  16. Brush the pastry with the egg.
  17. Place a sheet of foil beneath the dish in the oven, wide enough to catch drips from over the edges.
  18. Bake for 1 hour or until the crust is golden and the mixture is hot.

Takes approximately 2 hours.  Yields 6 – 8 servings.