{"id":181,"date":"2007-12-11T15:26:00","date_gmt":"2007-12-11T21:26:00","guid":{"rendered":""},"modified":"2008-09-10T22:37:13","modified_gmt":"2008-09-11T04:37:13","slug":"153","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dmentd.com\/blog\/153","title":{"rendered":"Petition And Declaration."},"content":{"rendered":"

PETITION TO REVOKE THE INDEPENDENCE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.<\/p>\n

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.<\/p>\n

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.<\/p>\n

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.<\/p>\n

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.<\/p>\n

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.\u00a0 To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.\u00a0 Then look up “aluminium.”\u00a0 Check the pronunciation guide.\u00a0 You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’; skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part.\u00a0 Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters.You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g.\u00a0 Edinburgh.\u00a0 You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation.Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.\u00a0 Look up “vocabulary.”\u00a0 Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “uhh”, “like”, and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.\n

    Look up “interspersed.”<\/p>\n

    There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show.\u00a0 If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows.\u00a0 When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won’t have to use bad language as often.<\/li>\n

  2. There is no such thing as “US English.”\u00a0 We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.\u00a0 The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”<\/li>\n
  3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.\u00a0 It really isn’t that hard.\u00a0 English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents \u2014 Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England.\u00a0 The name of the county is “Devon.”\u00a0 If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g.\u00a0 Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.<\/li>\n
  4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.\u00a0 Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.\u00a0 Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.<\/li>\n
  5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1.\u00a0 We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.<\/li>\n
  6. You should stop playing American “football.”\u00a0 There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football.\u00a0 However proper football \u2014 which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular.\u00a0 What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game.The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football.\u00a0 You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.\u00a0 It is a difficult game.\u00a0 Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.You should stop playing baseball.\u00a0 It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of North America.\u00a0 Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.\u00a0 Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders,” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.<\/li>\n
  7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns.\u00a0 You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.\u00a0 Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.<\/li>\n
  8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday.\u00a0 The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain.\u00a0 It will be called “Indecisive Day.”<\/li>\n
  9. All American cars are hereby banned.\u00a0 They are crap, and it is for your own good.\u00a0 When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts.\u00a0 You will start driving on the left with immediate effect.\u00a0 At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.\u00a0 Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.<\/li>\n
  10. You will learn to make real chips.\u00a0 Those things you call ‘French fries’ are not real chips.\u00a0 Fries aren’t even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.\u00a0 Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.”\u00a0 Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.\u00a0 The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.<\/li>\n
  11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.<\/li>\n
  12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling “beer” is not actually beer at all, it is lager.\u00a0 From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.”\u00a0 The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine.”\u00a0 This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.<\/li>\n
  13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or “gasoline,” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA.\u00a0 The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6\/US gallon \u2014 get used to it).<\/li>\n
  14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists.\u00a0 The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent.\u00a0 Guns should only be handled by adults.\u00a0 If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.<\/li>\n
  15. Please tell us who killed JFK.\u00a0 It’s been driving us crazy.<\/li>\n
  16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Thank you for your co-operation.<\/p>\n

    \n

    DECLARATION OF ANNEXING THE BRITISH ISLES AS PART OF THE USA<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

    To the imperialist British colonizers.<\/p>\n

    In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America.\u00a0 Your state code will be GB.\u00a0 Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts.\u00a0 The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London.\u00a0 Princess Diana will be declared a saint.\u00a0 You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition.\u00a0 To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. Look up “aluminum” in any good American Dictionary.\u00a0 Check the spelling and pronunciation guide.\u00a0 We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it.\u00a0 Learn to live with it.\u00a0 You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced ‘Eddinburra’ you have spelled it that way in the first place.\u00a0 You will quit using words such as “fortnight”.\u00a0 The correct term is “a two week period”.\u00a0 You will learn words such as “credenza”, “intern” and “chad”.<\/li>\n
    2. There is no such thing as “UK English”.\u00a0 UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.<\/li>\n
    3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents.\u00a0 American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents.\u00a0 Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie.\u00a0 To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don’t have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.<\/li>\n
    4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires.\u00a0 Hollywood will continue to use “Mockney” and “Posh” British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British.\u00a0 You can have Hugh Grant back.\u00a0 He’s a lousy actor and we don’t want him either.\u00a0 All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better.\u00a0 Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn’t contain a American in the starring role.\u00a0 All American characters should be ‘good guys’.<\/li>\n
    5. You will learn your new national anthem “The Star Spangled Banner”.\u00a0 It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work.\u00a0 Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down.\u00a0 If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler.\u00a0 All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.<\/li>\n
    6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby.\u00a0 There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn’t real football.\u00a0 If it doesn’t require 45 pounds of padding, it isn’t football.\u00a0 You should also stop playing cricket.\u00a0 Americans can’t understand the rules.\u00a0 If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting.\u00a0 Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.<\/li>\n
    7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are.\u00a0 The bad guys are those guys who don’t do as we tell them.\u00a0 They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters.\u00a0 You will cease using the word “cinema”.\u00a0 They are “movie theaters”.\u00a0 The snippets of forthcoming films are not “trailers” they are “teasers”.<\/li>\n
    8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks.\u00a0 July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival.\u00a0 If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament.\u00a0 You won’t be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there.\u00a0 Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned.\u00a0 Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia.\u00a0 There is also no such activity as “caravanning”.\u00a0 It is properly called “camping”.\u00a0 The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called “tenting”.<\/li>\n
    9. Roundabouts will be banned.\u00a0 What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps.\u00a0 You will start driving on the right with immediate effect.\u00a0 Most of the world drives on the right already.\u00a0 You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.<\/li>\n
    10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations.\u00a0 You will start to eat fries \u2014 light fluffy potato in crisp coating.\u00a0 If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance.\u00a0 Beer is to be served cold.\u00a0 The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed ‘ale’ and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption.\u00a0 You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.<\/li>\n
    11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer.\u00a0 It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year \u2014 be inventive.\u00a0 It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and\/or your therapist.\u00a0 Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members.\u00a0 You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional.\u00a0 Name your children after interesting medical conditions.<\/li>\n
    12. You will not have guns.\u00a0 In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children.\u00a0 Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e.\u00a0 they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      Thank you for your co-operation.\u00a0 You will be assimilated.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      PETITION TO REVOKE THE INDEPENDENCE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-181","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-entertainment"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dmentd.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/181","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dmentd.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dmentd.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dmentd.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dmentd.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=181"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/dmentd.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/181\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":514,"href":"https:\/\/dmentd.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/181\/revisions\/514"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dmentd.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=181"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dmentd.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=181"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dmentd.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=181"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}