Two years. It’s been two years since that willful, pushy broad Katrina came to town and trashed the place, behaving for all the world like she owned it. She overflowed the tub, she smashed in walls, participated in willful and wanton destruction of property and basically pissed everyone off and ruined the party. She was a major buzz kill, and lots of folks just went away to get as far from her as possible.
So what are my feelings two years after my life and the lives of nearly everyone I know was turned upside down? After a hurricane rolled in and caused my home and many others to be destroyed, taking most of my possessions and tangible memories with it? That’s not an easy question to answer.
On the one hand, I’m living in a place where I feel moderately safe and comfortable… definitely safer than NOLA. I’m rebuilding a life, certainly not the life I had before — too much has changed for that to ever be the same again — and stepping outside of myself, I can see it’s not a bad life. I have a good job, making good money. I have friends around me and we offer each other comfort, love and distractions. I have a roof over my head, with the prospect of having my own home again (now that the house in NOLA has finally sold). I have a wonderful girl far, far away who I am nuts for and who is nuts for me, and there is the very real possibility that she will be coming here in the future to continue her training and be with me.
On the other hand, I still feel like a bit of an outsider in this wonderful town… even two years later. NOLA will always be my home. I can’t shake the feeling that either this is temporary, or that the other shoe will drop and a tornado or other devastating occurrence will rip everything from me again. I have a cadre of friends from NOLA that relocated here and they are wonderful, fantastic, and absolutely what I needed to help keep my sanity the last two years. But I’ve left so many behind that are either unwilling or incapable of relocation — and I miss you all dearly… if you fail to hear from me, I suspect it’s a defense mechanism that keeps me from dwelling on how lonely I can be without the rest of you around. I’m chomping at the bit to buy a house, but at the same time the thought of losing it all again is the sort of thing that keeps me up at night. The job I have is wonderful — I enjoy the work, I really like my coworkers, and frankly as ‘political’ as the environment can be, it’s nothing compared to the outright hatred and malice for the IT Department I experienced working for that place in the ass-end of nowhere in Louisiana… but the passion isn’t there and I feel I could be doing something else, like making cakes, that would give me much more satisfaction. The passion I did have for being creative and working with my hands seems to have drowned in the waters that flooded my home, but I suspect that will come back when I have a home again, and a space to work in that is all my own. And as for my far away girl, well, all I can say is that I’ve taken one very real and agonizing blow to the heart since the storm and I live in fear that it’ll happen again — but I’m never going to let that stop me giving my all.
I’ve made a peace with the losses in my life: from the very sudden one two years ago, to the gradually onset one more recently. I found equilibrium, healed myself to the best of my ability and moved on. That doesn’t stop me from feeling uneasy or sad — the sadness isn’t a longing for what was that I can never have again, but more a twinge in my heart at the fond memories and what has passed. That doesn’t stop me from feeling guilty — guilt for vanishing when I could have returned to help rebuild, for creating a void in the lives of those who love me and stayed behind. Call it survivor’s guilt, but I am trying to survive.
So, two years later I’m living and making a life. What else can I do? This life is worth living, no matter how bad it may seem at times — and since it’s worth living, it’s worth living to the fullest. I’ve been purged and cleansed by the floodwaters; I only hope there is fertile soil to rebuild on.
I too lived through the events of two years ago; and like you have been dealing with the last two years in my own way. I’m luckier than most; I have a panel of switches in my head and I can just turn the ones I want to the off position. It’s easy and very useful. Hurricane come and bad shit happens; I just throw that switch and it seems like it happened twenty years ago. Someone dies; click another switch gets turned off. I know this could be a serious flaw and just might blow up in my face but there is the main breaker that I can throw in that event. We are all wired differently and this is my method to implement my life philosophy; live for today, plan for tomorrow with interrupting today. I can’t let the past events that I had no control over dictate today and what will be tomorrow. Thing that I control I accept the effect on tomorrow as my own doing, but another tornado or hurricane or earthquake is out of my influence. So if one occurs… click another switch. Ahhhh that’s better. Enjoy your life or change it; your happiness is your responsibility and no one else’s. Look around and smile; if you can’t then you need a change. Look ahead and make your best plans for you and those you care for. That’s all you can do. My Harley has the best slogan embossed on many of its parts; Live to Ride and Ride to Live. Apply to yourself with whatever it is you love to do.
I miss you. There are three people here who want the sandcastle cake.
I miss things there too. My life was way less complicated there, but you know what, we are becoming our own family now. A family that I like. I miss the old times, but those are gone and we have to creat new ones. I am happy for you and the others that survived. I miss having everyone together in one place too.
Sorry I didn’t get to see you last weekend, but I didn’t get to take the time before leaving. Have no fear though, the little zombie, Phreeq, and I will see you soon. After all tomorrow is another day and the Ren Fest is right around the corner!
Ah Yes…the anniversary…it’s been on everyone’s mind here. My staff meeting on Wednesday was filled with stories, but we all soldier on; new houses, new things, and eventually new stories. I know what you mean though about that twinge. I still get scared, there are still bad dreams, though fewer and fewer. And strangely enough it’s when I haven’t felt scared or had a bad dream in a while, when we’ve accomplished something new on the house and I think isn’t our life going pretty good…that’s when it hits me all over again. But life is better, lots better, and Nightshade gets me to pull my head from under the proverbial covers and to see that we are still here and still happy. I just really wish I could burn that other shoe that’s hang out there somewhere.
Out of devastating tragedy comes new hope and new challenges. No one can say that you of all people have not been dealt your share of these downfalls. However, out of all of them you have emerged stronger and more confident then ever. So few people see their way out of the black, let alone get another chance to live. You along with the whole brood have been give such a new life and what you have all done with what you have been dealt is commendable and a lesson to all.