Snap’s Surreal 21st Birthday Party

So, the party was to start on Friday and was to continue through till Sunday.  Little did our unsuspecting friends know what the weekend would hold in store.

Friday started out, as many party nights do, with guests arriving sporadically.  The birthday boy was not to arrive till midnight, so that is when the “official” party was to begin.  There was a toasting to DiJacamo, and then birthday cake à la Stuff.  Then, more homemade Hurricanes, and a brief but entertaining game of Mexican bullshit.  Of course a drunken call to G&H and a coast-to-coast camera session ensued.  The guests were many.  The drinks were many.  The drunks were many.  All in all much fun to be had, and we had it baby and then some.

Saturday the party was not to begin until 2:30 or 3:30 am as Mr. Snapperson had to work.  We went to meet him bearing the now legal beverages for him to consume.  By the time we were able to return to the wHOReS, unfortunately, Lisa was exhausted so she and Slinky went home.  That decision saved them from the insanity, which would soon descend upon the house of wHOReS.

This, my friends is where our surreal little tale begins.

Our persons entangled in this tale were, Stuff & Lady, Snap & Hot Fry, and Mensa & Leah.

Upon the return to the seeming comfort of the wHOReS the above-mentioned characters began imbibing homemade Hurricanes and Mad Hungarians like no tomorrow.  Within an hour everyone had worked up a nice buzz and were fairly mellow.  Most of the gang were in the den playing games, all except for Lady.  She had decided to go watch some SNL clips on the television in the living room.

Around 4:30 am there was a knock on the door, and Lady went to answer, thinking it was Pounders or Thirteen & Stirfry arriving to the party.  Almost opening the door, she said, “Hellllooo whhoo isss itt?”  The response a woman’s voice, “Ummm, ma’am, I’m your next door neighbor, I’m in trouble and I need to borrow your phone.”  Lady stopped at the door and called Stuff.  They opened the door, and there was a woman with a busted lip and blood on her shirt.  She said, “My friend and I got into a fight and I need to call someone to come get me.”  They handed her the cordless phone and the woman proceeded to call her friends to come get her.  Then, she called her husband on his cell phone, and Stuff overheard such phrases as, “Well you know I haven’t been happy for awhile”, “You didn’t know I was having an affair?” , “Well, he busted my lip and put a gun to my head.”, “No, I don’t want to call the police I just want to go to the hospital.”

It’s at this point that Lady went and told Mensa to put down his glass and “get on the clock”.  Mensa and Lady told Stuff to call 911 on his cell, because the last thing Snap needs to commemorate his 21st birthday is a shoot out between a jealous husband and an asshole who beats the woman he’s having an affair with.

The woman than asked if she could use the bathroom.  She rinsed her mouth out in the sink, and asked Lady, “How bad is it?” as she proceeded to bear her lip.  It’s bad, and Lady told her that she should go to the hospital because she will probably need stitches.  The woman then looked in the bathroom mirror, and said out loud to herself, “How do I get myself into these situations?”  Lady didn’t know, but she was thinking “I wish you’d take your situation out of my house.”

Now readers, bear in mind that there was still a den where drunken people were playing games.  Up until the point where the woman entered the house, these drunken people thought that Stuff and Lady were dealing with the police because there was too much noise.  It’s at this moment that they realized some serious shit is going down.

The woman finished cleaning up in the bathroom, and asked if she could sit on the porch to await her friends.  Lady informs her that the police had been called, and that they should arrive soon.  The woman said “Thank-you”, and went to wait for the police.  The police soon arrived.  It’s now about 5 am and Mensa and everyone else started drinking again.

You would think that the story would end here, but no my friends.  Read on.

Periodically someone would peek out of the blinds to see if the police were still there, or if everything had settled down.  Around 5:30 am Hot Fry wandered over to the blinds, peeked out and exclaimed, “What the fuck?  Umm, Stuff and Lady there are SWAT guys in your driveway.”  Of course everyone thought that she was pulling their leg.  Until they went to the blinds and sure enough there were like seven SWAT guys in full armor, with riot helmets, shields and assault rifles.

It’s at this point that the party got moved to the back guest bedroom, which is the room farthest from where the asshole lives.  That way, if there were any stray bullets perhaps they wouldn’t hit the steadfast parting people.

Keep in mind that Stuff was the only truly sober person in the bunch.  Mensa and Leah kept tripping over each other, Snap and Hot Fry were starting to get a bit amorous and Lady was wondering if this was the right neighborhood to buy a house.

There was much giggling and giddiness from the drunken throng, and much threatening of bodily harm from Sir Stuff if said throng would not calm down.  Finally, at 7:30 am the bullhorn could be heard, “Attention Graham: answer your phone.  We know you’ve had a bad night.  People out here are worried about you.”  This continued for about an hour.  Around 8:30 am the police broke a window, entered the house, and dragged the occupant out barefoot in his boxers and undershirt.

The peril averted, Sir Stuff called the drunken throng out to see.  The front blinds were then opened, and the throng waved and applauded as the seven SWAT guys walked toward their vehicle.  Then, seven more SWAT guys come out of the bushes and back yards surrounding the assholes house.

Stuff went outside as “the responsible adult” homeowner, and told the drunken throng to stay inside.  Five minutes after he’s out of the door, they were on the porch.  Mensa still had his drink in hand.  Looking to the right, two police cruisers and a police SUV could be seen.  Looking to the left, there were two vans (supposedly for the SWAT guys) and over fifteen police cruisers (that could be visually seen and counted — more were behind them) and an ambulance.

You just had to be there to understand the surreal wonder of it all.  To quote Mensa, "Snap, this is the best party EVER!"

The moral of the story:  This is what happens when you have a party and forget to toast DiJacamo.