Exercise. The "E" word. I’ve avoided it for years, and my current shape reflects it. I’m a tall guy with broad shoulders, so I’m allowed by nature a little extra weight on my frame. I took that concept an ran with it. Granted, I’m not obscenely obese – not 700 pounds of angry man looking for the next herd of pizzas to decimate with my gaping maw. I’m just a lot heavier than I’d like to be, and I can feel it every time I move. I grunt when I get up off the sofa, I’ve grown lazy because I don’t feel like making any efforts that require me to lift, move or walk distances to anything. I have a tendency to eat everything I put on a plate, but have a bad habit of piling a lot on my plate. I don’t eat poorly compared to the rest of the nation, but if a burger and fries sidles up to me and says "hello sailor" who am I to refuse its compelling advances?
But I’m trying hard to change Ringo… I’m trying R-E-A-L hard.
I’m playing a tricksy game of chess – my brain on one side of the board and my body on the other. I’ve come to know myself over the years, and I know what I will not do, and what I will respond to. I know that if I go balls-out into an exercise program and start getting into it hardcore, I’ll burn out faster than a vegetarian’s fart on steak night. It starts to bore me, I find excuses not to go, I get distracted and stop. I also know that if I try to start up an exercise regimen by myself, I’ll do the same thing. I’m an inherently lazy person and like water, will seek the downward path and settle in a pool. So to speak.
How do I get around these known barricades do you ask?
First, I will never, ever start an exercise program solo. I need the help to focus. I need the encouragement to go, especially on those days when I’m sore and sleepy – it’s way to easy to just go home a sit in front of the TV and turn into a mushroom. I need someone to share the experience with, that I can count on to entertain me while I entertain them in return. To make it fun.
Second, I will always start s-l-o-w. Start nice and easy, letting my body get accustomed to the idea that it’s gonna be moving around a bit more frequently. If I get a wild hair up my ass and hit the gym 5 days in a row, each day making me more sore than the last, I’m going to get awfully tired of being that sore in a big, big hurry, regardless of the fact that I’ll stop being sore after a while.
Third, I need an exercise program of some sort. I require someone to tell me what’s next on the agenda, even if it’s some big-necked gorilla named Gunter. Point a finger at the floor and tell me to do ten knuckle pushups and I’ll hit the deck, snap off ten and pop up looking for the next instruction. Left to my own devices, I’ll disassemble the rowing machines just to see how they tick, then wander off to the cafe to confirm my belief that health foods taste like gritty cardboard.
Fourth, severe dieting and major swings in eating habits don’t take hold well. Keeping an eye on how much I put on my plate, and steering the "hunger boat" into healthier water rather than into the dock or over the falls is a safer bet for me.
To start the ball rolling, I’ve enrolled into a martial arts program. Kuk Sool Won to be precise. Attending Kuk Sool Won classes is the brainchild of Phreeq who consequently is trying to get into a better shape as well. I’ve enrolled with Phreeq, S and Rhondalady – a happy little mob that can keep each other going and bolster spirits in times of need. We go twice a week, and every other Saturday (as available). We have skilled and patient instructors who give us plenty of direction, attention and many other -tions. I feel pretty darned good after the classes, even being a little sore. I’m immensely entertained because studying a martial art is something I’ve wanted to do for at least ten years. It’s almost too perfect.
The downside is that right now I have a gimpy thumb. Purely by accident (so she says) Rhondalady managed to smoosh my left thumb in a car door. Pain. Let me say that again. MOTHERFUCKING PAIN! So, it hurt a lot. The nail turned black. The finger became swolen. I’m looking forward to a 95% chance of losing the fingernail in the near future. So, all-in-all I have many months of inconvenience to deal with. Hardy, fucking har. Makes grappling and pressure points a little difficult to execute with when you can’t use your left thumb.
Who knows where this will lead. In six months I will have either stepped up my Kuk Sool classes to more days a week and supplementing them with home exercise, or I’ll be sitting on the sofa doing some major damage to a bag of chips.
Time and willpower will tell.