Quentin’s limey twin.

Mensa and I were talking about Guy Ritchie this morning, specifically two of his movies: Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch.  These are both pretty good movies — good storylines, a twisted plot, entertaining characters and good character relationships — bit what makes them so good is that they are infinitely quotable.  Hell, we’ve been using the "It’s a deal, it’s a steal, it’s the Sale of the fucking Century!  In fact, fuck it Nick, I think I’ll keep it!" quote for years now.  Allow me to pepper you with a few of my favorites… some of them are lengthy, but worth it for the context.  Snatch is my favorite of the two, but they are both excellent movies in their own right.

Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels:

Eddie: They’re armed.

Soap: Armed, armed with what?

Eddie: Err, bad breath, colorful language, feather duster… what do you think they’re gonna be armed with?  Guns, you tit!

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Rory Breaker: If you hold back anything, I’ll kill ya.  If you bend the truth or I think your bending the truth, I’ll kill ya.  If you forget anything I’ll kill ya.  In fact, you’re gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick.  Now do you understand everything I’ve said?  Because if you don’t, I’ll kill ya.

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Gary: Shotguns?  What, like guns that fire shot?

Barry the Baptist: Oh, you must be the brains of the operation.  Yes, guns that fire shot.

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Nick the Greek: What else does it come with?

Tom: It comes with a gold-plated Rolls Royce, as long as you pay for it.

Nick the Greek: Dunno. Seems expensive.

Tom: Seems?  Well, this seems to be a complete waste of my time.  That, my friend is 900 nicker in any store you’re lucky enough to find one in.  And you’re haggling over 200 pound?  What school of finance did you come from Nick?  It’s a deal, it’s a steal, it’s the Sale of the fucking Century!  In fact, fuck it Nick, I think I’ll keep it!

Nick the Greek: Alright alright, keep your Alans on!

[peels off notes from his wad]

Nick the Greek: Here’s a ton.

Tom & Eddie: Jesus Christ!

Eddie: You could choke a dozen donkeys on that!  And you’re haggling over one hundred pound?  What’re you doing when you’re not buying stereos Nick?  Finance revolutions?

Nick the Greek: 100 pound is still 100 pound.

Tom: Not when the price is 200 pound it ain’t!  And certainly not when you’ve got Liberia’s deficit in your skyrocket.  Tighter than a duck’s butt you are.  Now, lemmie feel the fibre of your fabric.

Snatch:

Brick Top: You’re always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece.  Apparently, the best thing to do is cut up the corpse into six pieces and pile it all together.

Sol: Would someone mind telling me, who are you?

Brick Top: And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them.  Cause it’s no good leaving it in the deep freezer for your mum to discover, now is it?  Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs.  You gotta starve the pigs for a few days, then the site of a chopped-up body would look like curry to a pisshead.  You gotta shave the heads of your victims and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies digestion.  You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sifting through pigshit, now do you?  They will go through bone like butter.  You need at least 16 pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm.  They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes.  That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute.  Hence the expression ‘as greedy as a pig’.

Vincent: Well, thank you for that.  That’s a great weight off me mind.  Now, I mean, if you wouldn’t mind telling me who the fuck you are, apart from someone who feeds people to pigs, of course.

Brick Top: Do you know what ‘nemesis‘ means?  A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent.  Personified, in this case, by a horrible cunt: Me.

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Turkish: Fuck me, hold tight.  What’s that?

Tommy: It’s me belt, Turkish.

Turkish: No, Tommy, there’s a gun in your trousers.  What is a gun doing in your trousers?

Tommy: It’s for protection.

Turkish: Protection from what, ‘Zee Germans’?

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Bullet Tooth Tony: So, you’re obviously the big dick, and that on either side of you, are your balls.  There are two types of balls: There are big brave balls, and there are little mincey faggot balls.

Vincent: These are your last words so make them a prayer.

Bullet Tooth Tony: Dicks have drive and clarity of vision, but they’re not clever.  They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good old pussy and have brought your two little mincey faggot balls along for a good old time.  But you’ve got your parties muddled up.  There’s no pussy here, just a dose that’ll make you wish you were born a woman.  Like a prick, you’re having second thoughts.  You’re shrinking, and your two little balls are shrinking with you.  The fact that you’ve got ‘REPLICA’ written on the side of your gun, and the fact that I’ve got ‘Desert Eagle .50’ written on the side of mine, should precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence.